“The chief task in life is simply this: to identify and separate matters so that I can say clearly to myself which are externals not under my control, and which have to do with the choices I actually control. Where then do I look for good and evil? Not to uncontrollable externals, but within myself to the choices that are my own…”
Epictetus
When Stoicism Saved My Leadership: my powerful insights revealed
“I remember sitting in my office, while my mind raced through an endless carousel of concerns. The merger was stalled, my team was restless, and the board meeting loomed like a storm cloud. At forty-two, I had climbed every rung I thought I wanted to climb, yet here I was, feeling more scattered than ever."
"That morning, something Monique had shared weeks earlier in one of our coaching sessions kept surfacing in my thoughts. She had mentioned an ancient philosopher named Epictetus and his teachings on Stoicism. At first, I had dismissed it as academic philosophy, but desperation has a way of opening minds to unexpected wisdom."
The essence of my learning
"The essence of what Monique shared was beautifully simple: we suffer most when we exhaust ourselves trying to control what lies beyond our influence. Epictetus taught that we should imagine two containers before us, one holding everything within our control, the other holding everything outside our control. The first container, she said, is remarkably small. The second, vast as the ocean itself."
"As I sat there that morning, I began to sort through my swirling anxieties using this ancient framework. The merger timeline? Beyond my control, that container. My team's trust and my response to their concerns? Within my control, this container. The board's final decision? Beyond my control. My preparation, my presence, my authentic leadership in that room? Mine to shape."
"What struck me most profoundly was how this simple sorting process began to quiet the storm in my chest. For months, I had been carrying the weight of outcomes that were never mine to carry. I had been trying to juggle a thousand competing concerns when, in truth, I had only one real job: to tend to what was genuinely within my influence."
The discipline of desire
"The Stoic philosophers called this practice the discipline of desire, learning to want what we can actually influence rather than exhausting ourselves pursuing what remains forever beyond our reach. When situations arose that triggered my old patterns of worry, I began using the refrain Epictetus suggested: "That is none of my concern."
"This was not about becoming cold or detached. Rather, it was about channeling my energy where it could actually create change. When my direct report came to me frustrated about a client's unreasonable demands, instead of getting pulled into shared frustration about the client's behavior, I helped her focus on how she could respond with integrity and skill. When market conditions shifted unexpectedly, instead of spiraling into worry about factors beyond any of our control, I gathered my team to discuss how we could adapt our approach."
My transformation
"My transformation was not immediate, but it was real. I noticed my shoulders carrying less tension. My presence in meetings became more grounded, more genuinely confident. People began commenting on a certain steadiness in my leadership that had not been there before."
"What surprised me most was how this ancient wisdom deepened my relationships rather than distancing me from others. When I stopped trying to control outcomes and people's reactions, I became more present to what was actually happening in front of me. I listened differently. I responded from a place of centered clarity rather than reactive anxiety."
The Stoic practice and authentic leadership presence
"The Stoic practice also revealed something profound about authentic leadership presence. True influence flows not from our ability to control external circumstances, but from our capacity to respond to whatever arises with wisdom, courage, and genuine care. This is the paradox the ancient philosophers understood: we gain real power by releasing our grip on what was never ours to control."
"Months later, the merger did go through, though not in the way anyone had originally planned. My team navigated the changes with remarkable resilience, and I found myself leading from a place of calm confidence I had not experienced in years. The board meeting that had once felt so overwhelming became simply another opportunity to show up authentically and contribute what I could."
"Now, when I mentor other leaders who are struggling with that familiar sense of being overwhelmed by circumstances beyond their control, I share this simple but profound practice. I invite them to imagine those two containers and to practice the gentle discipline of sorting their concerns accordingly."
The question that has become my daily companion
"The question that has become my daily companion is this: "What can I actually control in this moment?" The answer, I have discovered, is always enough. It is enough to find our footing, to respond with integrity, to lead with presence, and to trust that when we tend faithfully to what is ours to tend, the rest will unfold as it will."
"This is the gift of Stoic wisdom for modern leadership: not the promise that we can control outcomes, but the profound relief of knowing exactly where our true work lies. In a world that often feels chaotic and unpredictable, this ancient practice offers something invaluable, a way to find our center and lead from that unshakeable place within.”
A question for Your Own Journey
As I reflect on my client's story and the many leaders I work with who struggle with similar challenges, I find myself wondering: what might become possible in your leadership when you stop trying to control what was never yours to control?
What is stoicism?
An ancient Greek school of philosophy founded at Athens by Zeno of Citium. The school taught that virtue, the highest good, is based on knowledge; the wise live in harmony with the divine Reason (also identified with Fate and Providence) that governs nature, and are indifferent to the vicissitudes of fortune and to pleasure and pain.
What is the main belief of Stoicism?
At the core of Stoicism is the idea that in order to live a good life we need to develop a character shaped by the virtues of wisdom, moderation, courage, and justice. This is something completely within our control and can be achieved no matter what the circumstances.
What is a Stoic mindset?
The stoics emphasize what you can control. The choices you make are in your character. In doing so, they use the so-called cardinal values of Socrates: Courage, Temperance, Justice and Wisdom. What you consider good or bad is up to you, but it should never come at the expense of these values.
Who are the most known Stoics?
The names of the three best known Stoics—Marcus Aurelius, Epictetus, Seneca—belonged to, respectively, a Roman emperor, a former slave who triumphed to become an influential lecturer and friend of the emperor Hadrian, and a famous playwright and political adviser.
Moving forward together
If this exploration of Stoic leadership principles speaks to something stirring within your own journey, I would be genuinely honored to serve as your thinking partner. As a Master Certified Coach with the International Coaching Federation, I have witnessed how questions around what we can and cannot control emerge naturally in my conversations with leaders navigating complex challenges. There is something transformative that unfolds when we create space to examine not just our responses to circumstances, but the deeper wisdom that guides those responses, and whether our actions truly reflect our most authentic leadership.
The journey toward grounded, intentional leadership is rarely one we take in isolation. Sometimes we need a trusted companion to help us discern what lies within our sphere of influence, to ask the questions that illuminate our path forward, and to hold space for the clarity that emerges when we pause long enough to separate what is ours to carry from what belongs to the world around us.
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